Sunday, October 12, 2008

Wondering What's Next

Hi Pals-
I just posted this entry on my own blog but I thought I would also post it here. Sorry it's so long- I'm very confused right now, and whenever I struggle with something I write....and write, and write, and write!! I've had a hard year dealing with failing and struggling to find my way, which is hard for me to admit, so I'm sorry if I ignored posting here and on my own blog for way too long! I went for a big Thanksgiving hike with a few friends here today and felt a little bit better when I got home.
Happy Thanksgiving to all the Pals...I'm so thankful for all of you!

I’m a firm believer that God has a plan for our lives, which shouldn’t come as a surprise considering my favourite verse is Jeremiah 29:11. During so many rough times in my life I have clung to the fact that God has that perfect plan for me. However, lately that really hasn’t been helping. I’m looking at the hand of cards God has dealt me, and I feel like yelling “deal again, because these cards STINK!”. I don’t want this plan; I want to know Plan B, Plan C…Plan Z!!

I went home a few weeks ago to visit some friends, go on a few job interviews and take care of my parents’ house while they were in Vancouver. While I was there I met up with two of my friends, Heather and Tracy, for lunch at one of our favourite Kanata restaurants. We laughed so hard, and it felt so good! We got caught up on each others lives and went over all the old funny stories from when the three of us used to work together. I felt so good to laugh so much that my sides were hurting and at one point I actually had tears in my eyes! When I got into the car afterwards, I sat for a minute and realized that I couldn’t remember the last time I had laughed that hard. It made me really sad, which I know may sound crazy- who gets sad over being happy?! It made me miss the “old days”, when I was happy with my life and everything was going well.

I don’t deal with change very well- I like everything to stay the same. This past year has been a constant reminder that everything in my life is changing. I feel like I’ve lost all my old church friends- out of the ten of us, I’m the last single, childless one. Whenever I see them I feel like I don’t fit in anymore; their lives and priorities are so different than mine. It’s hard to hear “Lauren, come hear about my great new job/hold my new baby/meet my gorgeous husband” when nothing is working out for me. I know, I sound immature right now!

If I could, I would snap my fingers and go back three years. I was so happy then- I had school, swimming, horses, jobs that I loved, friends that I could laugh with. I feel like I used to have everything, and I’m just sort of sinking right now. My grandmother said that everyone needs to fail at some point in life, but I’m not enjoying it. I got very used to being an honours student, varsity athlete, sports editor for the campus paper…I sat on committees, went to conferences, rescued cats (does anyone remember little Jack?)!!

I went out to the barn when I was home to say hi to some of my barn friends and see some of the horses, and as I walked down the aisles of the barn, it really hit me: everything is different now. The staff is almost completely different- most of us have moved away or gone on to other jobs. I used to know all the clients, and as I read the names on the stall doors I thought “I don’t even know who half these people are, and I’ve only been gone for four months!”. I guess the change had happened slowly over time, but it really hit me that day that people are moving on and growing up.

I think I could handle this better if for me moving on meant moving on to something better. Right now I’m struggling so much with work. My work in Muskoka got extended to the end of October, but it’s only volunteer work. It’s been a great experience (I’ll have to post pictures soon), but I’m ready to figure out what’s next. I’m applying to every job I can, and barely getting any interviews. I’ve been looking into going back to school and I’ve found a few programs I’m interested in, but without a (paying) job, I have no idea how I’m going to afford it.

I consider myself an optimist, which I would say is a result of my faith- that God will never give me more than I can handle and that He had a plan for me that will give me hope and a future. I like to smile and laugh and I just wish I felt like it more. I know in my heart it will all work out, but my head is having a hard time getting it.


Felisol said...

Dear -lauren-may,
congratulations on having had such a good life and having been a success far above average.
You have been richly blessed and have a solid, strong foundation to meet the tougher realities of life.
Being such a resourceful woman, I am sure God has big plans for you. Hope you are willing to go where He may find in his way to lead you.
Psalm 24

1The earth is the LORD's, and the fulness thereof; the world, and they that dwell therein.

2For he hath founded it upon the seas, and established it upon the floods.

3Who shall ascend into the hill of the LORD? or who shall stand in his holy place?

4He that hath clean hands, and a pure heart; who hath not lifted up his soul unto vanity, nor sworn deceitfully.

5He shall receive the blessing from the LORD, and righteousness from the God of his salvation.

6This is the generation of them that seek him, that seek thy face, O Jacob. Selah.

7Lift up your heads, O ye gates; and be ye lift up, ye everlasting doors; and the King of glory shall come in.

8Who is this King of glory? The LORD strong and mighty, the LORD mighty in battle.

9Lift up your heads, O ye gates; even lift them up, ye everlasting doors; and the King of glory shall come in.

10Who is this King of glory? The LORD of hosts, he is the King of glory. Selah.

So nice to have you back, lauren-may.
We need your youthful perspective to keep that urge to seek and serve in our minds.
So glad you are sharing.
From Felisol

Anonymous said...

Dear Lauren-Mary, I love your honesty and I totally relate to your feelings. In the last 2 years I`ve wanted God to re-deal the deck of cards dealt to me. But you are right, God does have plans for you. Just don`t make the mistake I made in the past in listening to the lies of the Enemy; whispering things like, God wouldn`t call you to that work or ministry - or - you couldn`t possibily do that ministry.

When you hear from God, Lauren-Mary, and you know that you know in your heart of hearts...follow your heart and His Holy Spirit.

Thanks for posting and I am praying for you.

Julie - Little Missionary

byhisgracealone said...


Jeremiah 29:11 is my favorite's been on my blog since it's inception....and I too so often refer to it in my hours of discouragement......

it wasn't too long ago that I too, wanted God to re-deal the deck....and now blessed am I that He did not oblige me? VERY blessed, indeed.

I often turn to Psalm 27 to find comfort and encouragement as I wait on the Lord...

I shall keep you in my prayers and if you ever want to email...let me know...

thanks for sharing and
blessings to you