Thanks to those of you who prayed last Monday. I'm sorry to report that....well...there isn't much to report!
While out for dinner with my atheist friend, (personally I think he is more agnostic but he calls himself an atheist), I really didn't find a good opportunity to witness...or so I thought. In hindsight there probably were lots of tiny moments that I could have said something about Jesus being my strength and how it is a gift from Him that I have medical benefits in order to be off work and heal. My friend knows about my difficulties over the last couple years and I didn't once credit Jesus for being my ultimate source of strength. I don't think I actually thought about it until after our get-together. How could I not think about the difference Jesus makes? Perhaps I did think about it and so quickly dismissed the thought I barely noticed I had the thought!? Why would I do that? As I thought about this over the last couple days this question occurred to me: do I still truly believe Jesus has been my ultimate strength over the last two years of personal difficulties? Do I really believe that without Him the last two plus years would have been far worse? Truthfully, if I were totally convinced that Jesus has made all the difference I would be only too glad to tell others about Him. But, there's the rub my friends....I don't think I'm so convinced anymore. At least not the way I used to believe it. At one time I would never hesitate to speak of my trust in God. I didn't care who I was speaking to...atheist, agnostic, friend or foe....I believed, therefore I shared with a convinced spirit, soul, mind and heart. So why am I no longer totally convinced that God loves me with a fierce love? Though I have long forgiven, (to the best of my human ability), the two Christians who deeply hurt me over two years ago, the consequences of their lack of love and caring about me as a human being...never mind their sister in Christ, has left deep scar tissue. The scars have effected my ability to trust in the Lord, which leads to a lack of desire to share Christ with others. If I am not convinced, neither with those I share with be convinced - they will sense my hesitation and lack of personal conviction.
Friends, please pray that in 2009 I will know once again how long, deep and wide the love of God is for me.