Friday, April 4, 2008

update

I'm sorry if I caused anyone major concerns about my post. Thanks for all your prayers. I realized this week I really am not well emotionally. I suffered such a major trauma 2 years ago - a huge breach of trust also - and that left me with anxiety beyond belief. My self-esteem was crushed and hasn't fully recovered yet. I thought it was all dealt with but when push comes to shove in this world I don't cope well anymore. So much came down on me this week - so much - I just couldn't handle it. I'm profoundly sad about my inability to be healthy and it's a mystery why God seems so "hands off" on my life - that makes me sad too. When I think about the incredible faith I used to have in Him to move mountains.....I just don't have that kind of faith anymore. It's like I can't handle any upset anymore - my fear rages so high. If you knew the whole story of two years ago you'd say "no wonder!" But of course it didn't all begin there - I had a difficult childhood and overcame so much in my 20's - that's when I met the Lord and my whole perception of who I am changed for the better. That seems to have been lost as a result of what happened 2 years ago. I retreated in such fear and even when I cry out to the Lord in desperation (like last night) all I hear is silence and that scares me! Anyway, to be honest I think it's time for professional intervention (again). I needed intervention initially 2 years ago but now I have to deal with the aftermath - a kind of post-traumatic stress syndrome. No wonder no guy wants to be with me! I don't want to be with me!

About work - I'll try and keep this brief - my "wicked" boss was off today and things came to a head because I was still so upset about yesterday. Well, we had a meeting (admins and one manager) - apparently the manager has had it with my supervisor's unprofessionalism because it is effecting my productivity and the team in general. I had to hear some hard things but true....she was very compassionate and good. I do have issues around my work - stemming from my fear of my supervisor and when is she going to strike again. But she has been up to no good with others - not just me - it's effecting everyone......I just showed it more in my lack-luster attitude and make mistakes (fear - trying to be perfect causes even more mistakes).

All that to say, my supervisor is going to be disciplined on Monday and her supervisory role removed....yikes - I'm afraid! But it is a good thing in the long run.

Please be in prayer on Monday for my workplace. And as always, pray for my "recovery".

Bless you all.

J. (LM)

6 comments:

Akinogal said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
David Warren Fisher said...

LM:

We understand completely and we love you unconditionally.

Be encouraged today! YOU ARE NOT ALONE!

David

Terry said...

Dear Little Missionary Julie..
Your manager must see the benefit that you are to you job and it is so nice that she took your part and I hope that things will be better for you now on your work place!
Have a peaceful and restful weekend Little Missionary!..Love Terry

Vicki said...

Julie, if you'll write me, I'd love to be a support and encouragement to you. Perhaps we've traveled similar paths.

hugs,
Vicki

hebrews 11:1 said...

Little Missionary,

I echo Pilgrim's words...We do understand and love you and you ae not alone.

Are you going to get another pet? They are certainly a stress-reliever! ;)

I don't now if you'd be interested in going to see a naturopath, but today when I was thinking and praying for you, I thought of my dad's childhood friend and the stories he told us of some of his clients when he came over to see us in January. He lives and practices just outside of Ottawa, and he uses it as his ministry. When he was here, he said that he and his wife are looking for a church, and that really reminded me of you. If you're interested, and I would recommend it because he can probably help you a lot with just managing your stress--he's not there to sell meds or a miracle pill as he told us he tells his clients--- I could give you his info. Just let me know, and I could pass it through a Pal to you.


Be encouraged!

Love and Prayers,
LPP

Julie (aka Little Missionary) said...

Thanks everyone for your support.

LPP, thanks, I'll keep it in mind but for now I think I need to work through some issues with a good trauma counsellor. I've been to a counsellor but frankly it wasn't much help - she just listened - I need more. It's interesting that Noah's death and other things this week are bring up the trauma - maybe it's how God is getting my attention....I don't know.

J. (LM)