Eleven days and I'll be in the air on my way to Mexico City for a week of missionary work a garbage dump and at least one day in an orphanage - November 11 to 17. I often go through Satanic attacks before a mission trip, (no big surprise), and sometimes while on the trip.
In fact, two things are going on right now: 1) I have a bit of a cold/flu - so pray that I heal completely before leaving 2) I am battling a lot of negative thoughts lately - (eg God isn't pleased with you Julie and therefore He will not answer your prayers). I have been praying for evidence that my friend Todd is seeking the Lord - nothing - I wait for Todd to ask me for coffee to talk more about the Lord - nothing - I am resisting the temptation to contact him because ...darn it...I don't want to push it - I want Todd to seek the Lord!! Nothing. Now, perhaps more importantly I've been praying for a deeper desire for the Lord in my own heart! The opposite seems to be happening. I find myself comparing my walk now with my walk about 11 years ago. I had so much more vigor and trust in the Lord. Now I just feel like He is angry at me or disappointed in me all the time. I keep thinking perhaps I've sinned one too many times and He is fed up! I know in my head - logically - that isn't true based on the revelation of who God is in Scripture - but my heart feels entirely different. I've confessed any known sins.....I confess to you my friends as Scripture calls us to do - lately I've been on a nasty slop of telling a few lies here and there to my co-workers - lies just to make myself sound better - how stupid eh? I sit there listening to their stories after a weekend and think - how boring my life is! I have nothing interesting to say so I make up things! I confessed this to God and asked for the grace to stop! Then I thought, "what if I am still harbouring bitterness and unforgiveness towards a couple people who deeply hurt me in 2006?" I confessed it and begged God to help me - cleanse me. Still I feel God isn't pleased! I hate feeling this way. I think some of this is based on the fact that I could never please my parents as a child - nothing I did was acknowledged as good - even when I did something nice like bringing home some artwork from school, they didn't fuss over it. I think it was mainly the way of that generation - my parents are almost 80. But that can't be it entirely because my grandmother, whom I was close to, fussed all the time over my artwork.
Please pray for me pilgrims.
Julie (Little Missionary)