Monday, December 31, 2007

What Difference Does Community Make?

Hi friends,

Bear with me while I vent a bit.

I find myself once again wondering if church really matters. If community matters - then why do I find myself alone on New Year's Eve? I guess it is my own fault - I have been feeling sick with a cold but I should have went ahead and made plans. A pot luck at my former church just rapped up. I was feeling better by about 5 p.m. so I called a friend - no answer. I called another friend and told her I was feeling better - all she said was, "oh, Natalie is coming to pick me up any minute so I have to go." No invitation for me to join them - both single Christians!! And, this was one of my close friends!! With friends like that.....sigh....who needs the Christian community - they are not much better than non-Christians!

I'm sure there are other single Christians, like me, spending a very, very lonely New Year's Eve - God be with you and comfort you (and me) tonight!!

I have a confession to make Pals, I quit going to the Kanata Wesleyan church back in September. I found it too uncomfortable and almost impossible to fit in - it was just too overwhelming for me to sit alone week after week. So, I tried going back to my former church - at least I know people there and they were happy to see me, but it just isn't the same after all the hurtful things a certain pastor said to me in 2006 (I forgive, I just can't forget), therefore I can't get comfortable there. I am a Christian without a home church. And I wonder, what difference does it really make for me to bother getting out of bed on Sunday morning? To worship God? I can do that at home - throw on some worship tunes, sing along, and I can even listen to a good sermon on-line or on TV (there are plenty).

I know it's almost impossible to live the Christian life without fellowship but I just don't know what to do! I am a very frustrated, lonely Christian - I could just scream tonight or drink myself into a drunken's tempting....but instead I will go out to a small chapel I know of at a Catholic Church in my area. I will try and fellowship with someone else I know experience extreme loneliness and desertion at times - Jesus. I have an electronic key to get into the chapel. It is opened 24/7 for quiet prayer - this is one thing I admire about the Catholic Church - it strongly encourages contemplation on God's Holy Word and many churches offer chapels to go pray in. We all know how hard it is to pray at home with all the distractions....these chapels are great.

I know I have to get rid of the thoughts I have that God just doesn't care about me, or he is mad at me or something crazy like that. Ugh....such a human response! I know this isn't true!


J. (Little Missionary)


Felisol said...

Dear Julie, Little Missionary,
You are sharing and showing your wounds to us, and I feel your grief though as were it my own.
I have no recipe for you but to seek and you shall find.
Jesus sees you just where you are. There is no church He prefers to the other.
I just wish all congregation stopped to be a place of social gatherings and started to be places of worship and genuine Christian love for everyone to participate.
I wish you, dear sister, a special blessed New Year. may the Lord lift his eyes upon you and give you peace.
From Felsiol

Julie (aka Little Missionary) said...

Bless you Felisol. I totally agree with you - God doesn't perfer any church over another - and I wish we would all smarten up and tear down the walls that divide us! He wants us to love Him and one another. It doesn't seem to matter what church I go to Catholic or not they are all the same in the end - full of cliques and if you are single and 40 something it's even harder to fit in. I wish with all my heart and soul that God would just take me home tonight because I am extremely homesick for Heaven - I know when I am there I will never feel left out again. Somewhere in the world tonight some dumb drunk driver will take the life of an innocent person - God spare that person and take me instead!


David Warren Fisher said...


No pat answers from the old pilgrim. I feel your pain and I wish I could help. We all do.

Don't do anything you'll regret, dear friend.

We love you too much!

David and all the pals

Terry said...

Dear Little Missionary Julie...
I just came here to post and wish the Pals a happy new year but how can I when I see that you are so sad..
I feel really bad for you.
I know that Jesus is with you but you are so full of hurting that maybe just like Mary couldn't see Him because of her tears, you aren't able to see Him either, but He is seeing you Julie and loving you so much!
Please accept my wishes for you to have a Happy New Year Julie. I love you....Love Terry

Julie (aka Little Missionary) said...

Thanks Pals for your prayers as always. I spent 3.5hrs at the chapel and gained some peace there - sigh! What can I say - it just sucks being single - especially on occasions like this.

Julie (LM)

susanwalkergirl said...

Praying for you Julie...your issues are similar to mine. I pray that God answers our prayer in 2008...and sustains us and upholds until then.

Blessings and Happy New strong in Christ alone.


Vicki said...

Praying for you, even with tears. I've known such deep loneliness myself...and have spent some years single and alone in my pain. I will standing in the gap with you, lifting your needs to Him daily. He wants to be our Life, Julie.