Monday, May 19, 2008

Holiday Weekend Reflections


I'm up at my parent's place in the Ottawa Valley. This is a long post so get your tea or coffee!

It sure wasn't the sunniest or warmest weekend on record, so I was stuck inside. Too bad my bunny Alfie loves to nose around outside. However, Alfie had just as much fun nosing around the apartment. I've discovered he loves Sour Creme and Onion chips!! When he hears the chip bag all manners (if he has any) go out the window - he jumps on me with his nose in my face looking for a chip or two.

I watched quite a bit of the Flordia Outpouring on-line: http://floridaoutpouring.com/ Don't know if you heard about the revival in Lakeland. To be honest, I have VERY mixed feelings as I watch. On one hand I think "praise the Lord!" - on the other hand I look on with suspicion. I'm doing more research and prayer on this "move". Is it really God? On the surface it seems so but something in my gut is reluctant. I'm listening to a guy on Youtube right now in response to this "move". http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HWG80y3SYzk (hope this link works). I know it's just one guy's opinion on youtube but he does have some interesting points. I'd be interested in hearing your comments on all of this. We are to test the spirits - so I guess that's what I'm doing - proceeding with caution.

On a related topic - I'm going after God in a big way for healing for my deep emotional wounds. I will be off work for 6 weeks at full pay - part is sick leave and part is vacation. These wounds that go back to childhood and have formed scars and there has been much healing over the years. We all have these wounds/scars - some deeper than others. Actually a Christian could argue our wounds go back to the Fall of man. I agree with that - since the Fall we have continued to wound each other. Sin seems to have a life of it's own at times. It's only in Christ Jesus that we have any chance of wounding each other less - and when we do wound each other, as Believers, we have a special Grace from the Lord that grants us the ability to repent and seek forgiveness not just from the Lord, but from the one we have wounded. This doesn't always happen of course. The one wounded also has the Grace from God to accept the apology offered. In fact, the wounded one also has the Grace to forgive even when the wounder doesn't repent and ask forgivenss (as in my case with two Christians who have yet to say "sorry" - I must chose to forgive them anyway). (side note: these two Christians and I will eventually cross tracks because we "run" in mutual circles - the test for me will be when I set eyes on them). It takes an infusion of Grace ask forgiveness of others and to offer forgiveness. Unfortunately, as the regular Pilgrim Pals know, my experience two years ago taught me that even the most holy and devout, (at least on the surface), Christians can wound another Christian so deeply with their words and actions that it rips open old wounds along with creating new wounds. My faith in God was shaken to the core in 2006 - my ability to discern "safe" people from "unsafe" people was smashed to bits. Safe boundaries came crashing down and unhealthy boundaries were put up. I isolated myself from safe friends and opened myself up to unsafe people. I made at least two very unsafe choices in the last year alone. I began "dating" an unsaved - worse - an self-proclaimed Athiest - Todd. Knowing full well this was not God's will - that a Believer be yoked to an unbeliever - I still "chased" Todd to go out with me....and he always said "sure". I put myself in unsafe situations with him - being alone with him where he could have taken advantage of my desperatness to feel loved and accepted by someone...anyone! I thank God everyday that I wasn't used - He must have assigned a special Angel to stand between Todd and I, so I would not be used in my very vulnerable state. It would have been even more detrimental to my overall emotional healing if I was used. I believe the prayers of many Pilgrim Pals helped me. God led me to the safety of Pilgrim Pals - no judgement - just plently of acceptance, love, prayers and wise words. I still find it awesome that God lead me, while surfing for facts on the Ottawa Senators and specifically on Christian hockey players on the team last year (eg Mike Fisher), to the Pals site. Knowing David is the uncle of Mike made this site safe for me at time I wasn't sure who I could trust - wasn't even sure I could trust God anymore!! Before and especially during the playoffs Mike indirectly became a beacon for Jesus to shine through and show me that we need not hide the Light of Christ - even in the tough arena of NHL hockey - this was an inspiration for me! Thank you Mike for being so opened about your relationship with the Lord Jesus.

Recently it came to light that I also trusted another "unsafe" person by the name of Louise. You may remember her from a picture I posted last year during the playoffs. I work with her and last year during the Senator's run for the Stanley Cup she really befriended me. I think a part of her did like me, but I've since realized a bigger part of her heart was bent on controlling me and getting me on her side in the workplace as she felt others didn't really like her. She used me for her own purposes and in the last several months has basically discarded me as she doesn't "need" me anymore. Keep in mind I was not totally leaning on the Lord Jesus last year but rather on my own understanding. I confess here that I am in part guilty by omission because I allowed Louise to gossip and bad-mouth our other co-workers. She would talk about their weight gain or lack of style in dressing for work etc etc It was nasty and I so often remained silent - God forgive me for not putting a stop to it. Not to make an excuse, however in my desperateness to be accepted by someone I was just happy to have an "ally" in the workplace - the wrong ally as I discovered. You reap what you sow. I'm reaping some pain now because I took part (even if indirectly) in gossip and slander. Louise has turned on me - and is treating me badly - especially in the last couple weeks. And, of course I highly suspect she is speaking badly behind my back as she has shown herself capable of doing. I was beside myself with grief and shame to the point of considering suicide a couple weeks ago - but my Saviour has other plans and He isn 't letting me go that easily! After speaking with a no less than 4 professionals (including my own physician) they all recommend I take sick leave in order to heal - first from the trauma inflicted two years ago and secondly to sort out the workplace issues and look at moving on to another job. As long as I remain in the "toxic" work environment I will not heal. I need to spend some length, quality time with the Lord. I agree with the professionals, but you must understand, my shame in taking sick leave is working on my mind. I feel awful in abandoning my work and loading it on another person. I have fear that it'll be worse for me when I go back to work - that others will look at me as a "cop out" or failure. I know I'm capable of working in a highly responsible job - I've done so in the past - this current job is actually a bit of a step down for me. I took the job as a stepping stone. The 4 professionals agree I should move into a new position and that I am capable of doing so. I've told you before I'd like to work with Fire services or Paramedics since I have a background in emergency medical services. I would like to move into an administrative support role. God will have to open that door. As I explained in the past, Unions rule the roost and that prevents me from moving into a union position. The Almightly is the top "Union Boss" - with Him ALL things are possible!

Another issue at work: both Louise and I are in temporary positions - it's the exact same admin job but split between the of us as there is plently of work to do. Our manager wants to get approval for the two positions to be permanent but that isn't going to happen. Although Louise and I are permanent employees, the jobs are temporary, depending solely on budget. Recently, our boss got the funding to post one of the positions as permanent. They have to post the job because of "rules". Louise will get the job, that I am sure of. I made the decision to NOT apply for the position. I will remain in the temporary position and pray the Lord opens another door for me. Please join me in this prayer. I sense the Lord is on the move in a big way and He will use the "bad" situtation to bless me with something better!

One other note about Louise and the workplace. I got the Employee Assistance Program involved because of her "bullying" manner a couple weeks ago. We are trying to set up a type of "intervention" for the whole team. I'm nervous but feel it must be done - not just for my sake but for the sake of any other new person that comes into that work area.

And a final note: Mom, who is in the hospital for the third time in about three weeks, is doing much better. She is coming home tomorrow. Her doctor is lowering the dosage on a couple medications which he thinks might be causing the extreme weakness. Her depression has lifted - praise Jesus!

Thanks Pals for all your support and prayers.

In Christ,

Julie (Little Missionary)


7 comments:

Terry said...

Hello Little Missionary Julie.
I have read your long post without the advantage of a coffee or tea and not wanting to take the time to go get a diet Pepsi!
I went to your second You Tube first and I am glad I did. After listening to that guy's warning, I could barely stand listening to the first You Tube link that you have in here.
What a farce it is!!
Right there while you are watching is a big "DONATE" button.
I surely have always disliked this, where preachers are asking for money.
I will never forget my friend Linda who a year after she was saved got MS.
Until her death she remained a strong Christian.
One time I caught her crying and when I asked her why, she told me that she had been watching a TV preacher and they were asking for money.
Linda in her simple faith asked me, "Doesn't God give us salvation for free?"
Dad Golden even though he is not saved always says the only TV preacher that he trusts is Billy Graham.
Quite often he has taped the program for Mom Golden to watch on her VCR.

I am glad that you will be taking a break. Too bad you didn't have scads of money because if you did you could fly across the sea to see our Felisol!! That would be good medicine for you for sure!!

So happy about Mom feeling so much better. How does she like her newest little grandson, Alfie F?

Hoping that your time off work will prove to be helpful for your wounded spirit!...Love Terry

donna said...

Julie,
Plese know I continue to pray for your complete healing....

hebrews 11:1 said...

My aunt was at those meetings...she told me I should interview some guy who is speaking there, so i checked out his website...yes, I know what the Bible says about man looking outside, but the guy has piercings all over his face--that's tough for me to swallow. And yet, we are not to judge...tough.

LM, I'm prayig for you and your mom!!

Love and Prayers,
LPP

hebrews 11:1 said...

Mrs. Shirkie,

I have thought a lot about people who ask for money...and read about so many missionaries who just PRAYED and God sent them what they needed. We are reading Franklin's Graham's book, "Rebel With a Cause" as a family, and he talks in there about a mission in the Middle East who just prayed for the funds and God sent them. Personally, I never like giving when people ask...I just pray a lot, and when I give, I pray it is God's perfect timing and His perfect amount.


Little Missionary,
I have more time tonight to write....
I am glad that you aretaking that time off, and that your mom's depression has lifted. The Pilgrim Pals have been very instrumental in my life, too, in encouraging me, and in my healing as well...what a blessing they all are!
I am going to a conference I attended last year in two weeks...last year I was soooo blessed by it. I only went to one of the three sessions, and it blew me away--my spirit was refreshed, I saw God's hand at work, and my sister was one of the many healed there. I can tell you, it is very real--it's not like she was expecting to be healed or anything, she just had faith, I suppose, and suddenly she was up front exclaiming how the pain was gone in her wrist that she'd had for two years (if I recall correctly...I actually caused it while playing tennis with her, I hit the ball before she was ready, and she was holding the racket wrong at that point, and it rattled her wrist to the point where it constantly hurt and she was worried about it; the pain has not come back since her healing). Anyway, I thought you might be interested in coming since it is only 2 hrs from Ottawa...it's a Friday night, Saturday morning, Saturday evening, so you'd need to stay at a hotel for Friday and Saturday night. Tickets are $50 for the whole conference, but I would be willing to pay for yours if you want to come...if you'd accept that...if you could only make it to one session, I'd suggest Saturday evening, because I wento to the last session last year, and I can vouch for it being amazing. I interviewed the speakers for an article I'm writing on it, and one noted that Canadians are used to "religion" (such as a ritual or a description) and how they need to see the Power of God at work, and that alone will change them, and that is what this conference is about. You can go to www.houseofdavidministry.org to learn more about it. I'm inviting a few of my friends, including one who is not saved, and I hope one of them will come ;)

Praying for you always,
LPP

Julie (aka Little Missionary) said...

Hi LPP,

Thanks for your comment. And your kind invitation to the conference! That is very generous of you to offer to pay. I don't think I could make the trip though. I'll be keeping pretty busy while off work with packing for my move the end of June and I plan on going out of town to the country - retreat centre or something along those lines to spend time in God's Word and seek His Heart. I know a pastor who often prays over me - I'll be meeting with him next week, along with a woman who loves to pray with folks for healing.

This time for me will be a make or break if you know what I mean. I need a very deep healing from the Lord or there is very little hope for me to function in life anymore! I'm not trying to be a drama queen...it's simply the truth. I'm at my wits end and I'm desperate enough for healing that I agreed to take the time off work. That was a difficult and embarrassing decision for me.

Bless you LLP.
Julie

hebrews 11:1 said...

LM,

If you ever change your mind, just let me know...I'll be there at all sessions, Lord willing, and the offer is there. I really think it would make a difference, but I know you know yourself and your schedule. :) May the Lord strengethen you during this time with His grace and mercy!

Love and Prayers,
LPP

lotto said...

Well done for this wonderful blog.