Holiday Weekend Reflections

I'm up at my parent's place in the Ottawa Valley. This is a long post so get your tea or coffee!

It sure wasn't the sunniest or warmest weekend on record, so I was stuck inside. Too bad my bunny Alfie loves to nose around outside. However, Alfie had just as much fun nosing around the apartment. I've discovered he loves Sour Creme and Onion chips!! When he hears the chip bag all manners (if he has any) go out the window - he jumps on me with his nose in my face looking for a chip or two.

I watched quite a bit of the Flordia Outpouring on-line: http://floridaoutpouring.com/ Don't know if you heard about the revival in Lakeland. To be honest, I have VERY mixed feelings as I watch. On one hand I think "praise the Lord!" - on the other hand I look on with suspicion. I'm doing more research and prayer on this "move". Is it really God? On the surface it seems so but something in my gut is reluctant. I'm listening to a guy on Youtube right now in response to this "move". http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HWG80y3SYzk (hope this link works). I know it's just one guy's opinion on youtube but he does have some interesting points. I'd be interested in hearing your comments on all of this. We are to test the spirits - so I guess that's what I'm doing - proceeding with caution.

On a related topic - I'm going after God in a big way for healing for my deep emotional wounds. I will be off work for 6 weeks at full pay - part is sick leave and part is vacation. These wounds that go back to childhood and have formed scars and there has been much healing over the years. We all have these wounds/scars - some deeper than others. Actually a Christian could argue our wounds go back to the Fall of man. I agree with that - since the Fall we have continued to wound each other. Sin seems to have a life of it's own at times. It's only in Christ Jesus that we have any chance of wounding each other less - and when we do wound each other, as Believers, we have a special Grace from the Lord that grants us the ability to repent and seek forgiveness not just from the Lord, but from the one we have wounded. This doesn't always happen of course. The one wounded also has the Grace from God to accept the apology offered. In fact, the wounded one also has the Grace to forgive even when the wounder doesn't repent and ask forgivenss (as in my case with two Christians who have yet to say "sorry" - I must chose to forgive them anyway). (side note: these two Christians and I will eventually cross tracks because we "run" in mutual circles - the test for me will be when I set eyes on them). It takes an infusion of Grace ask forgiveness of others and to offer forgiveness. Unfortunately, as the regular Pilgrim Pals know, my experience two years ago taught me that even the most holy and devout, (at least on the surface), Christians can wound another Christian so deeply with their words and actions that it rips open old wounds along with creating new wounds. My faith in God was shaken to the core in 2006 - my ability to discern "safe" people from "unsafe" people was smashed to bits. Safe boundaries came crashing down and unhealthy boundaries were put up. I isolated myself from safe friends and opened myself up to unsafe people. I made at least two very unsafe choices in the last year alone. I began "dating" an unsaved - worse - an self-proclaimed Athiest - Todd. Knowing full well this was not God's will - that a Believer be yoked to an unbeliever - I still "chased" Todd to go out with me....and he always said "sure". I put myself in unsafe situations with him - being alone with him where he could have taken advantage of my desperatness to feel loved and accepted by someone...anyone! I thank God everyday that I wasn't used - He must have assigned a special Angel to stand between Todd and I, so I would not be used in my very vulnerable state. It would have been even more detrimental to my overall emotional healing if I was used. I believe the prayers of many Pilgrim Pals helped me. God led me to the safety of Pilgrim Pals - no judgement - just plently of acceptance, love, prayers and wise words. I still find it awesome that God lead me, while surfing for facts on the Ottawa Senators and specifically on Christian hockey players on the team last year (eg Mike Fisher), to the Pals site. Knowing David is the uncle of Mike made this site safe for me at time I wasn't sure who I could trust - wasn't even sure I could trust God anymore!! Before and especially during the playoffs Mike indirectly became a beacon for Jesus to shine through and show me that we need not hide the Light of Christ - even in the tough arena of NHL hockey - this was an inspiration for me! Thank you Mike for being so opened about your relationship with the Lord Jesus.

Recently it came to light that I also trusted another "unsafe" person by the name of Louise. You may remember her from a picture I posted last year during the playoffs. I work with her and last year during the Senator's run for the Stanley Cup she really befriended me. I think a part of her did like me, but I've since realized a bigger part of her heart was bent on controlling me and getting me on her side in the workplace as she felt others didn't really like her. She used me for her own purposes and in the last several months has basically discarded me as she doesn't "need" me anymore. Keep in mind I was not totally leaning on the Lord Jesus last year but rather on my own understanding. I confess here that I am in part guilty by omission because I allowed Louise to gossip and bad-mouth our other co-workers. She would talk about their weight gain or lack of style in dressing for work etc etc It was nasty and I so often remained silent - God forgive me for not putting a stop to it. Not to make an excuse, however in my desperateness to be accepted by someone I was just happy to have an "ally" in the workplace - the wrong ally as I discovered. You reap what you sow. I'm reaping some pain now because I took part (even if indirectly) in gossip and slander. Louise has turned on me - and is treating me badly - especially in the last couple weeks. And, of course I highly suspect she is speaking badly behind my back as she has shown herself capable of doing. I was beside myself with grief and shame to the point of considering suicide a couple weeks ago - but my Saviour has other plans and He isn 't letting me go that easily! After speaking with a no less than 4 professionals (including my own physician) they all recommend I take sick leave in order to heal - first from the trauma inflicted two years ago and secondly to sort out the workplace issues and look at moving on to another job. As long as I remain in the "toxic" work environment I will not heal. I need to spend some length, quality time with the Lord. I agree with the professionals, but you must understand, my shame in taking sick leave is working on my mind. I feel awful in abandoning my work and loading it on another person. I have fear that it'll be worse for me when I go back to work - that others will look at me as a "cop out" or failure. I know I'm capable of working in a highly responsible job - I've done so in the past - this current job is actually a bit of a step down for me. I took the job as a stepping stone. The 4 professionals agree I should move into a new position and that I am capable of doing so. I've told you before I'd like to work with Fire services or Paramedics since I have a background in emergency medical services. I would like to move into an administrative support role. God will have to open that door. As I explained in the past, Unions rule the roost and that prevents me from moving into a union position. The Almightly is the top "Union Boss" - with Him ALL things are possible!

Another issue at work: both Louise and I are in temporary positions - it's the exact same admin job but split between the of us as there is plently of work to do. Our manager wants to get approval for the two positions to be permanent but that isn't going to happen. Although Louise and I are permanent employees, the jobs are temporary, depending solely on budget. Recently, our boss got the funding to post one of the positions as permanent. They have to post the job because of "rules". Louise will get the job, that I am sure of. I made the decision to NOT apply for the position. I will remain in the temporary position and pray the Lord opens another door for me. Please join me in this prayer. I sense the Lord is on the move in a big way and He will use the "bad" situtation to bless me with something better!

One other note about Louise and the workplace. I got the Employee Assistance Program involved because of her "bullying" manner a couple weeks ago. We are trying to set up a type of "intervention" for the whole team. I'm nervous but feel it must be done - not just for my sake but for the sake of any other new person that comes into that work area.

And a final note: Mom, who is in the hospital for the third time in about three weeks, is doing much better. She is coming home tomorrow. Her doctor is lowering the dosage on a couple medications which he thinks might be causing the extreme weakness. Her depression has lifted - praise Jesus!

Thanks Pals for all your support and prayers.

In Christ,

Julie (Little Missionary)